Luftmensch

I used to be a Saint.  But over time, I decided to break all the stupid promises I made to myself:

I promised to always be grateful, even when I was bleeding

Even, perhaps, when I was bleeding blood that I could not see

My Father once told me that I could be immaterial

It is possible that I asked him if I could be immaterial and all he said was

Yes

When I got older, I lived in fear of my own insanity, and thus became further depersonalized

The family genius that bordered on madness, that had been passed from my Grandfather to Father to Me

Kafkaesque: I believed I was living in a double-bind

If only Others knew what I was thinking and feeling…..

But the more sane I pretended to be, as I tried to hide my chaos,

I felt as if I was losing my mind

And slowly, but surely, I began to implode

Until the implosion became an explosion

And I cracked open

Rays of perversion and trauma spilled onto everyone around me

I wanted so badly to remain unchanged from the moment of my birth

I hope to God that I have not hurt anyone